Aug 21, 2011

Movies Cause Madness and Mayhem

Do you hate it when people talk all through a movie? You’re trying to relax, but someone behind you can’t follow the plot, they get the characters confused, and they ask questions every few minutes?

Apparently, I am that person. My son, Raphael, just told me so. He didn’t want to watch a movie with me because he said it takes all the fun out of it -- I need too much help. What a shocker to hear such a thing and from my own son! Who wouldn’t want to hang out with me? I am so fun to be around. Hurt, I lashed out by throwing his cell phone in my neighbor's bird bath.

My husband and sons came to Raphael's defense, saying I'm annoying because I gasp and laugh too loudly. This hurt even more. I threw their cell phones in my neighbor's pool. Now my family never calls me. Talk about immature.

Their comments were crushing. I thought my laugh was melodious and soothing. That’s why I laugh even when laughing is not dictated, like at the neighbor boy's orchestra concert or when I was getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist. I just want to share the joy.

But time heals all wounds, and a day later, we were all friends again. The kids made amends by saying they’d watch the widely acclaimed movie Inception with me. Their teenage friends said it was awesome. Sometimes teenagers act dumb by liking movies that adults don’t like, so I consulted my friend Bob, an old person with dementia (shoutout to Bob in Maryland). He said Inception was great, so I agreed to see it. If it's good enough for Bob, it's good enough for me.

My sons said Inception is complex and that I would need to be alert the night we see it. Their words made me anxious. I wanted to have a clear head to clear my name. I wanted to make sure I understood without assistance. I tried to cheat by looking up the answers on Google, but I didn't even know the questions. I ended up just Googling pictures of aardvarks. It was of no help.

On movie night, I prepared by napping before dinner and not having that second whiskey with my meal. I hadn’t been this nervous about an event since they replaced Michael J. Fox with Charlie Sheen on Spin City. And look what happened to Charlie Sheen! I think he did something bad! And then he got replaced by Ashton Kutcher. If Ashton Kutcher could replace Charlie Sheen, what's to say he can't replace me?

Well, movie day finally came, and let me capture the essence of Inception in one word -- B-O-R-I-N-G. With a capital B. And the ORING part too! I could not understand how everyone at the theater was riveted, while I felt like I had fallen into a black hole of nothingness. I wondered if this is what Nerd Hell is like. I sat in the dark, staring at people, checking the time on my cell phone, waiting for each successive minute to pass. It was excruciating! It reminded me of that time we spent New Year’s Eve watching the C-SPAN Marathon on TV in that hotel on Time’s Square in New York City.

But I’ll be fair to you who haven’t seen Inception. Maybe you’ll like what the movie offers. The premise is that a person can enter into the dream of another person by falling asleep and sharing that dream. While in the dream, one can alter events and even alter reality. Even more boring, multiple people can fall asleep at the same time and enter one communal dream. Huzzah! There are dream police or something, and they play an important role as well, but I don’t know what it is because I was staring at someone’s mole at the time.

The big finale is that you don’t know whose reality is really real. However, at that point, I didn’t even care. I had no idea who the good guys and bad guys were. I was just glad the movie was almost over. I hoped all the characters would die to produce a happy ending, but that didn’t happen. Oops. Spoiler alert. Let’s just say that once you see Inception, you probably will avoid the movies for a long time.

Now if you want to have a good time, definitely see the movie Unknown with Liam Neeson. I’ve watched other movies with Liam Neeson, and he’s really fun to be around and never hogs the popcorn. He laughs and gasps just like I do, and he doesn't criticize me. I’ve never found the need to put his cell phone in any kind of liquid. He gets me.

Anyway, Unknown was an intelligent movie that made even me think. I have no idea what it all meant, but I remember thinking, "Wow, I like this film!" It was awesome and had a lot of action. It was so fast-paced that I didn’t have time to stare at the other movie-goers. That’s the highest compliment I've ever paid a film.

Well, I hope my movie reviews have given you something to ponder. You probably wondered why I haven't blogged for so long, but now you can clearly see how busy my life has been. Liam Neeson is out of town, so I promise you I can lighten my schedule and write sooner next time.

And, just in case you were concerned about all our ruined cell phones, don’t worry. My neighbor Ann agreed to replace them when she discovered they were damaged on her property. Life always seems to have a happy ending around here. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the last days of August.


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