Jul 2, 2008

Protect Your Kids from Harmful UV Rays

A lot of people are concerned about the effects of the sun on their children. What hours of the day are the worst UV rays emitted? What kind of sunscreen should my child wear? A chemical mixture in a plastic bottle is not the right answer.

A simple solution is available.

Step 1: Begin plying your children with caffeine and sugar around 7:00 p.m. one day, soon after dinner. A trip to Starbucks for their first espresso is highly recommended. Make sure you take your camera to make lasting memories. Take some kind of photo ID too, in case the barrista or a local police officer questions if you are the parent.

Next, take the little ones to the ice cream shop. I like Friendly’s, but I don’t know if mentioning a particular store is fair to others, so let’s just call it Bob’s, though we all know I mean Friendly’s. I highly recommend the banana split, which cost just under a dollar when I was a kid, but now is priced at $25. Don’t worry about the money. You want to save your kids from skin cancer, don’t you? Make sure you get extra sprinkles. They’re free at Bob’s.

Step 2: Now your kids are going to be fully awake for the next several hours. You have to ride this wave and keep them up until the break of dawn. Play tag, take a moon-lit stroll, and talk to them about how seeing the sun wake up is one of the most wondrous gifts in life, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Step 3: Allow the kids to fall asleep soon after sun-up and wake around 7:00 p.m. Studies show that children need between 12 and 24 hours of sleep per day.

Step 4: Announce that it’s morning. Punish any children who differ based on the long shadows, the positioning of the sun, or the appearance of the moon. If everyone isn’t on board, you will never be able to protect your child from UV rays. Plus, who wants a child who questions and talks back. Better make him a conformist now or that creative streak will come back to haunt you in the teenage years. Now that the insubordination has been squelched, serve breakfast and embark on a typical day.

There are many advantages to this new schedule. For example, your childrens' skin will no longer be exposed to any harmful UV rays. In addition, you’ll be able to grocery shop and run errands at all-night big box stores or convenience stores; and that element of danger coming from avoiding freaks on the loose at night-time will make your children run to you in fear, in effect making you bond and become closer.

School is an issue for you? Time to look into home schooling. It’s the latest rage and studies show home-schooled children are smarter, faster, and stronger than both public- and private-school kids.
If your spouse complains that the sleep/waking patterns are crazy and are breaking up the family, you will need to look for a new spouse. You don’t want to be around a whiner who doesn’t support you anyway. May I suggest a younger model who works the night shift? Good providers can be found at UPS, customer-service call centers, hospitals, and in the IT field. The buffet is open. It’s up to you to choose. Remember, the first rule of parenting is that your children come first.