Sep 20, 2009

A Natural Cure for Insomnia

I was wide awake at 3:00 a.m. last night. And the night before. And the previous night. Not sleeping much has become a regular part of my life for four straight days. Each night as I watch the hours drag on, I break out in a cold sweat, and not the good kind of good sweat brought on after engorging oneself with desserts and non-fat lattes.

Has this happened to you? I sighed as I got out of bed and got ready for another tiring morning. As I ate a bowl of Count Chocula cereal, I remembered watching an episode of Third Rock from the Sun with John Lithgow (he’d always come over and watch the reruns with me). In one scene, a church gospel choir sings, “Can’t sleep at night, and you wonder why -- maybe God is trying to tell you something.” God was clearly trying to tell me something, but what? I needed to look into my heart or into the forces around me.

At mass, I asked God to help me find peace. I searched my heart for distress, but found nothing but a couple ventricles and an artery.

If my heart wasn’t the issue, then it must be a disturbance in the forces within my home. On the drive home, I discussed the problem with my closest confidants, my husband and sons. One son told me that George Lucas and Liam Neeson are experts in “the force” because they made a movie about it. Now I was getting somewhere. When we got home, we googled George and Liam’s home phone numbers. Within a couple minutes, I had left messages on both of their answering machines. I explained that there was a disturbance in the force and that I needed a call back before nightfall.

I ordered lunch and asked Mr. Li, the guy who delivered our Chinese food, if he's ever had such a problem. He told me about feng shui. He said the positive energy of chi was being blocked in my house and that negative energy was coming in.

Chi, huh? I grabbed four offending Chia pets that had been growing on my front stoop and threw them all into the road in front of my driveway. Mr. Li chuckled nervously and explained that the Chia pets have nothing to do with chi. I looked at the broken mess on my sidewalk and my neighbor, Martha Jenkins, who was bleeding a little after being hit in the legs with shrapnel from the Chia pots. Why was she trespassing on my property anyway? Her cross words were ruining my focus. I went back into the house to think.

As I stuffed a stack of pennies into one of those 50-cent coin wrappers to give to Mr. Li as a tip, he told me that chi is the natural positive energy of the universe. He said I should remove the clutter from the house, rearrange the furniture a bit, and then I would sleep better.

“Imagine that water is able to flow into your home. If something blocks its natural flow, it must be removed,” he said. There were notebooks, socks, and a few garden gnomes laying in the foyer. Sure, all that looks beautiful to visitors, but to me, it was now nothing more than junk. Mr. Li warned that the chi shouldn't be allowed to stagnate or escape. He then shut the door behind me, and I heard him yell out in anger as he stepped on a piece of pottery from the Chia pets. Sounds like he could use some balance himself.

It was time to set to work. I didn’t need to imagine water flowing into the house. My garden hose would work just as well and help me define the problem areas. When I saw that the water had fully covered the first floor of my home, I turned off the hose and was disappointed to see that there was no "flow." The water was stagnant. Stupid Mr. Li! His plan didn’t work! Why did I waste such a generous tip on him?

Just then, my Silky Terrier doggie-paddled past me, and I noticed that he created little waves around him, which gave me an idea. I can’t entrap the water. I needed to open a door to create flow. With the front door open, the cleansing water began to flow outside.

And, as if by some feng shui miracle, I noticed that the water took with it all kinds of items that must have been creating bad kharma. The rushing water knocked down Martha Jenkins, who had just managed to get up. She must have been bad. Papers, a pair of overalls, a long forgotten house guest, and all sorts of junk were being cleared from my home naturally. I didn’t realize that my oldest son’s baby picture was emitting negative energy, but it must have been because I watched it float out the front door, followed by some legal documents and my grandmother’s diamond tiara. So that was the problem!

When the water finally subsided, there was a sense of quiet and peace in my home. I felt cleansed and happy. I looked outside and saw that Martha Jenkins looked quite nice wearing Nana’s tiara. It sparkled in the sun and illuminated her silvery hair.

I called the cops on her and then lay down for a long nap. I was able to sleep like a baby, despite the sounds of the sirens and the occasional gunshot at Martha out front. I wondered if this is how great Noah felt after the floods subsided and set down his ark. Thank goodness I didn’t have to build an ark or lasso any wild animals, like he did.

When I woke up, my family and I celebrated my newfound peace. Just then the phone rang. It was Liam Neeson, concerned about my issue! Liam said that he and George Lucas were coming over for dinner and bringing Irish food. Wow, talk about everything working out! What started out as a bad day turned out to be just another great day in my life, and I owe it all to the chi!


Count Chocula? As in name-brand cereal?
-- Nosy Reader
Yes, name brand! I buy generic for the kids and the real stuff for me. Don't you know me by now?
-- Jackie

Star Wars was on TNT last night.
-- Gina from North Jersey
Thanks for the heads up, valued reader!
-- Jackie

Is chi related to the drink, chi lattes?
-- Bobb, Beijing
No, that's "Chai," Bobb. Are you seriously from Beijing?
-- Jackie

Bobb needs to read a dictionary.
-- Derek, OH

Count Chocula? As in name-brand cereal?
-- AJR, Dayton, OH<>