Jul 12, 2014

Exercise: the Myth Unravels

Dear Jackie,
I'm pushing 40 and everyone has been telling me to exercise to stay in shape. You seem to be so together. Do you have any recommendations about a good program for me?
                                                                                                                          -- Queen Connie
Dear Connie,
First of all, I like you. You are obviously very perceptive, as your description of me was spot on. As far as exercising, I think it's a really bad idea for anyone of any age. Mark my words, exercising is just a trend. It will never last.
Injury lurks around the corner for
this poor schmoe.
Compare the lifestyle of someone who exercises to someone who doesn't. My friends who work out and are hardcore exercisers who have a variety of injuries that seem to be chronic. They hurt their hamstrings, muscles and ACLs. I've spent years not exercising just to avoid hurting those parts, and it's paid off. My friend needed to have surgery on his ACL. I didn't. The facts don't lie.

Worse, people who exercise and do cardio workouts often get sweaty. That's just gross. If you were competing with a very sweaty person wearing a jogging suit to a job interview, who do you think would get the job? Obviously the person who wasn't fit. Statistics show that employers don't want to hire people who are fit and smelly.
Now there are some people who shower after exercising. While I admire their desire to be clean, I question their dedication to a green lifestyle. Isn't showering frequently a waste of water and bad for the world? If people knew the facts -- that their actions could deprive future generations of something as essential as clean drinking water -- they'd probably stop exercising. Just sayin.

Exercise is a ticking time bomb.
  Warning: some people might find
  this image disturbing.
If you want to examine whether exercise has any long-lasting benefits, just look at little children. They spend all their time running around and exercising, which leads to crashing into things, getting hurt and whining. They're always falling off the equipment at playgrounds and disturbing the peace with their loud cries. Toddlers especially always have boo-boos on their elbows, knees and heads. Would you rather be around someone like me, who doesn’t exercise, or a snotty-nosed, crying child covered in blood?
Bottom line, more and more people are starting to see that exercising is lame. Years of propaganda by the medical profession have convinced the public that exercising is healthy, but the tides are turning as we find that the risks outweigh the benefits. The experts will tell you that staying in shape will give you a better quality of life, but I had a friend who was a runner for years, and then he got shot in the leg during a bank robbery. Not so quality now.
So reader, if you don't want to get unnecessarily injured or shot, think again about starting an exercise program. I recommend you choose a wiser activity like watching TV while having a snack or two. Do this on a nightly basis, and I guarantee you’re going to have a good time.
Have a fun and safe weekend!
If you have questions for me, just send them to my email, jackiesblog@gmail.com, and I'll share more pearls of wisdom.