Aug 8, 2009

An Interview with One of My Readers


Note to readers. I just got back from vacation and I am too tired to write another genius posting, so instead I’m running an interview with an old friend, Jane. You’ll find Jane very amusing. I wrote the questions, and the answers are all hers. Granted, she’s not as funny as she is weird, but you’re still in for quite a treat because she’s really, really weird. As for some background info, Jane was my friend in high school and a bridesmaid at my wedding. I had her wash my wedding gown, mop the church floor, and clean off the tables at the reception. And now, on to the posting, already in progress.

Every now and then, I would like to acknowledge some of our loyal readers who savor every line that I write and eagerly post comments within minutes of my publishing the blog. One such reader is the infamous Jane Doe, also known as Jersey Jane. She’s the one who verbally attacked a poor, sweet Amish man who wrote a comment on my blog. Some say this was an obvious attempt by Jane to make herself feel superior. Others say they don’t really care why she did it. Fascinating!

What does makes Jane Doe tick? When did she get that pacemaker anyway? And why is she so obsessed with The Way I See It? The answers to those riveting questions and more are below in an exclusive one-on-one interview that won’t be found anywhere else – not in People Magazine, not on the E! Channel.

Jackie: Jane, when did you first start reading my blog?
Jane: Right after you threatened to burn down my house if I didn’t.

Jackie: Why do you spend time on the computer reading what others write instead of attending to your husband and 11 children?
Jane: I read your blog whenever I’m feeling down. It immediately cheers me by reminding me that I’m not you.

Jackie: How did you come to have 11 children? Was it planned? Do you like having a family that is that large?
Jane: Eleven children?? Not me. You’ve confused me with one of your other bloggers . . . that woman named Bubba.

Jackie: What do you do for a living?
Jane: I’m a professional model who is finishing up my PhD. This Ivy League education will give me something to fall back on once my looks begin to fail as badly yours have. Too bad you never followed through with your own education and finished getting your GED. Then perhaps you wouldn’t be such the drain on the public welfare system that you are today.

Jackie: What is it you admire most about me?
Jane: Your moxie. It amazes me how someone as pathetic as you can continue to face the world each day.

Jackie: If you could be any fruit in the world, what fruit would you be and why?
Jane: A pineapple. They come from the most exotic locations and are in all of the cool cocktails. [Jackie’s note: That isn’t funny. It’s not even interesting. It was such a boring response that I yawned when she said that. Also, my son tells me that technically, pineapples aren’t fruits anyway. All fruits have seeds, and pineapples do not. I hope Jane doesn’t read this part. She’s sensitive and may be offended.]

Jackie: What if you could be a vegetable?
Jane: I’d be Jackie Phillips. It would be fascinating to learn what goes on (or doesn’t go on) in that so-called brain.

Jackie: Have you ever wanted to learn origami?
Jane: No, I avoid all things Asian for fear of getting the bird flu.

Jackie: Gee, look how quickly the time has flown by. I have to wrap up the interview. Is there anything about yourself that you would like the readers to know?
Jane: No, because quite frankly I’m afraid of your readers. I do my best to steer clear of prisoners, psychos and homeless people. The less they know about me the better.

Well, readers, there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth. Hope you enjoyed meeting Jane. She’s refreshing as a root canal and quite the treasure. Her husband, “John Doe,” is a lucky man. Thank you, Jane, for opening your mind and heart to the public eye. I owe you one. Have a great week everyone.


So you're claiming to have a friend? That's adorable.
~Bob Loblaw, Anytown, USA

Does Jane have a sister?
~Bill Clinton

I was unable to locate your unextensive playlist. However, Lady Gaga started vocalizing about playing cards and being one crazy girl while I was trying to discern your anti-Jersey comments. Is she part of your musical repetoire?

AJR, you scrolled down and still didn't find the playlist? It's there. Try it again, but this time without the vodka. Also, it takes a bit for your computer to load the playlist box, so give it time. Since your computer is a 1928 model, it may take longer than other models.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So you're claiming to have a friend? That's adorable.

Bob Loblaw, Anytown, USA