Jul 23, 2009

Facebook or Satan's Playground?

I was talking to some friends at a party a few weeks ago when the hostess took me aside and asked me if I was on Twitter. On Twitter?!! The nerve! I threw my glass of soda in her face and told her I’ve never done drugs in my life. What an accusation!

Later that day, my kids explained that Twitter was a social messaging site on the computer. They said there are similar sites called Facebook and My Space.

The whole thought of someone communicating with others on a computer for social purposes seems ridiculous to me. If it was actually possible, wouldn’t it be awfully nerdy to sit at the computer talking to people you can’t see all day? Maybe shut-ins and hired assassins would have reason to do it, but certainly not teens or members of Generation X! And the claim that you can talk to lots of people simultaneously seems preposterous. Anyone who says you can type a message and hit one button to send it to over five people at a time is an outright liar. I’d stake my reputation on that – or so I thought. In the back of my mind, though, I knew I’d have to do some further investigating.

I began my quest at the nursing home where our family volunteers. Millie, the wisest woman I know, lives there. She was celebrating her 95th birthday when I asked what she knows about social networking sites on the Internet. She told me that all social networking tools and websites are part of a satanic cult! Millie met President Calvin Coolidge in her youth, so I believe her. Millie’s words scared me. I don’t want to be involved with Satan! I don’t know about you guys, but in my family, we don’t even like Satan. In fact, we have a sign painted above the inside of our front door that says, “Live, laugh, love” and then, on the adjacent wall, another painted sign reads, “We hate Satan.”

If Millie is right, our family was in danger. “Why did we buy the kids 13 computers this past Christmas?” I asked myself. But this wasn’t a time for regrets. It was a time for action. I invited my priest, Daniel, to dinner and asked him to bless our computers. He blessed them and doused them with holy water, rendering 11 of them useless and mistakenly electrocuting my son, whose hands were on one computer's plug and an electrical outlet at the time. Roberto was electrocuted only a little bit, but whined and cried like a school girl, despite still having full use of both legs. Both the priest and I told him to act like a man. Anyway, I am getting off track.

I needed to investigate more in order to give you some advice. I advise from direct experience, not just hearsay. For example, when my sons were little, I didn’t just tell them not to cross the street without looking both ways -- I showed them what I meant. Without looking, I ran into the street in front of my house as my neighbors were driving home from work. Although I sustained severe injuries, it was worth it. My kids now had practical knowledge and, more importantly, they learned that they can trust whatever I say. My method is so effective that one son is 17 now and never crosses the street. Another son is 15, and he doesn’t even leave the house. Of course, he’s developed crazy fears about the outside world, but that’s probably due to the influence of public schooling.

Anyway, the next step was for me to actually get on Facebook. I said a prayer and then created an account. I was armed with Bible passages to keep evil influences away. What I discovered will blow your mind. Facebook is an absolute delight! It turns out that Facebook isn’t a cult and Satan isn’t involved. The site is wonderful. I posted a status, and then people wrote back to me. I already have THREE friends, a testament to my immediate popularity.

So I take back what I said earlier. I now fully endorse the site and feel confident that I can speak for President Coolidge in saying that if he were alive and used a computer with an Intel processor, he would endorse Facebook too. So go ahead and create an account, and search for me, Jackie Phillips. I’ve posted a picture of my dog on the account so that you’ll recognize that it’s me. Put in a friend request, and I’ll befriend you, if that is the correct technical term.

As for Twitter and My Space, however, I have NOT tested those sites, so please DO NOT use them until further notice. I cannot assure you that they are Satan-free. My friends, Jill and Carole, have encouraged me to get on Twitter, which makes me distrust the site even more.

You’re probably thoroughly confused now. Twitter . . . Facebook. . . which is ok? Let’s make this as simple as possible. Just remember the acronym FUP, which means Facebook is Undeniably Pleasant. Twitter and My Space, on the other hand, are “Potentially Satanic – Do Not Use” or PSDNU (pronounced “Sudnew” because the P is silent). FUP and PSDNU should help you keep these lessons organized. Have a great day and remember to think outside the blog.

Jackie
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COMMENTS:
This post was so funny!!! You're the best Jackie, whoever you are lol. ~ Kaydia

8 comments:

k-bomb said...

Thanks for clearing that up

Anonymous said...

I don't like Satan either.

Anonymous said...

I don't want to wait to hear about Twitter. You have to talk to Millie soon!

Anonymous said...

Is the Internet safe?

Marcus
NJ

Amanda said...

Boy, there are a lot of you so-called "Jackie Phillips" running around out there. Many of you own dogs and one is an equestrian. Apparently, quite a few of you have just acquired new swimwear.

Amanda said...

BTW - more profound polls please. Especially if they use European spelling, as in "colour."
Favourably,
AJR

Kaydia said...

This post was so funny!!! You're the best Jackie, whoever you are lol

Anonymous said...

This post made me unstable ;-(