Groundhog Refuses to Make Winter Prediction

In a move unprecedented in the animal kingdom, Groundhog Puxatawney Phil*  refused to come out of his burrow to tell how many weeks of winter are ahead. “What do you want from me? It’s too damned cold out there,” said the groundhog to reporters he invited to his bedroom in a press conference of the 1969 John Lennon, Yoko Ono peace interview.

Accompanying the groundhog was an unnamed female gopher who smiled coyly and waved to the camera. Puffing on a cigarette and affecting a British accent, Phil explained, “There’s been record-breaking snow and ice all over the freakin’ country. I’m not wandering out there buck naked to tell America what everyone already knows. What if I get frostbite?”

When pressed for a prediction about winter, Phil ranted string of expletives before responding, “Yes, there’s gonna be lots of winter ahead, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to snow so hard that it’s gonna to last all the way till next winter. This might even be the start of the zombie apocalypse,” he said taking a gulp from a bottle of Jim Beam.

Asked if this will be the end of an over hundred–year tradition, the groundhog answered with an emphatic, “Hell yes! You can ask some stupid rodent or dumba## squirrels to look for their shadows, but I’m not doing this anymore. They don’t even pay me every year. The last check bounced.”

The groundhog ended the interview saying he is officially retiring. “As for me and my honey, we’re going to chillax in bed, maybe order some pizza and watch the Super Bowl,” he said. “I’ve got money on the Seahawks.”

*Not to be confused with Pennsylvania native Punxsutawney Phil